Garvanza Skatepark: Public Interest or Public Menace?
[Satire]
by Valerie Shaw, M.PR

Returning from the second of three community meetings to determine the viability of a skate park in the Garvanza area of Highland Park, I had an epiphany moment. You know, one of those messages from God that changes your life every 10 years or so.

I’ll be the first to admit that I felt troubled. In spite of the $790,000 already earmarked for the site through the diligent work of outgoing Councilmember Nick Pacheco (CD-14), there was a certain amount of opposition proffered by a few vocal, albeit well-meaning Garvanza homeowners who were seeking more green space, tranquil surroundings and other amenities to enhance property values.

Clearly, as a public safety issue, I am on the side the skateboarders, but that’s beside the point. I always try to be fair. I got’ta confess that Rodney King, who after being savagely beaten and demonized, said so eloquently, “Can’t we all just get along?” gave me my mantra.

So, on the drive home from this disturbing meeting, I suddenly saw this incredible vision of how both the skate park advocates and detractors could all be satisfied. Sure it requires the diversion of a few thousand dollars, but nothing will be wasted. Not a single penny!

Instead of designing a skate park for pre-teens and teenage skateboarders, we could build a cemetery for youth from age 12 to 24. How about that for a super cost-cutting idea!

Bikers and skateboarders who are caught in the crossfire of motorists and gang rivalry would be given the first burial priority. Innocent kids sitting at bus stops and other public spaces would get second priority. And third would come the rest of our youthful population who are held up and killed at gas stations, ATMs and mall parking lots by other hopeless youth without jobs, education or alternatives to lawlessness.

Is this great, or what? Just think of all the advantages: lots of green space, no noise (except, of course, the noise of mothers’ wails while watching their little ones being put into the ground), low maintenance, minimum vandalism and, with so much project construction money unspent, there would be plenty left over for flowers, fountains, trees and a jogging path. Maybe even add a picnic table or two.

On my drive home I saw the whole plan—all laid out like the Pharaoh’s tomb. [No pun intended.] The space could be subdivided into say 1,000 4x6-foot plots and pre-sold to parents of budding adolescents who are avid bikers and skateboarders. Instead of selling cookies and magazine subscriptions, students could sell pre-needs packages as school fundraisers.

We’d have more room for amenities too if, instead of building just a cemetery, we’d construct a really tall mausoleum in place of a plain ol’ retaining wall. There we could add another 500 or so bodies. I’ll bet we wouldn’t run out of room for another 25-years or so.

Just think of the other businesses that would be attracted to the area. A mortuary or two would be compelled to look at Highland Park as an emerging market. Surely a florist would want to come on board. The site might even become a tourist attraction and model for other communities faced with the skateboard menace to society. To attract visitors, the name of our cemetery will be all-important. I suggest we follow the theme and call it Apathy Park: A Place Where Youth Can Find Eternal Peace.

So what’d ya think about my epiphany, eh? Is it great or what? If, however, you like your kids alive and safely supervised, while enjoying the sport of skateboarding, come to the third meeting of concerned citizens and voice your opinion.

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For other works by Valerie Shaw please see:

Valerie Shaw
offerings of an urban woman

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